The Reality of Parenting: An Occasional Hit to the Groin

Parenting is rad. Very rad.

However, for anyone considering a journey down the parental path, every yin has a yang.

The reality of parenting?

Sometimes, as you stretch your arm across the counter to purchase a pound of your favorite coffee beans, an awesome man cub may just reach out and knock you in the midsection.

A toddler ambush. How do they have such a keen sense of attack?!

No matter how adorable, protect yourself. Cute AND sinister.

 

Dude’s Way of the Peaceful Parent

Peaceful Parenting

Peaceful Parenting

Here’s a tip o’ the hat to a new blog resource here on the Dude; Zen Habits.

This dude Leo Babauta has built a blog empire in a short few years. 240,000 subscribed followers! Dang!

He’s done an amazing job of leveraging the power of a blog to build himself a nice writing career. Yes, blogging is now a career path…if you can do it right. And Leo has.

If you haven’t checked out ZenHabits.net, it’s worth a visit. I snag some good info from there from time to time. More originals than curration, and as the name indicates the topics tend to be focused on life skills built on simplicity – a Zen-like mentality.

The blog is groovy, but what I find most amazing about Leo is that he has six kids. Yes, 6 kids! That’s a full-time job in itself.

So when I saw his recent post “The Way of the Peaceful Parent,” I was immediately intrigued. I like to think the Dude’s parenting philosophies fit nicely into the peaceful parenting mold, but I needed to see what a dude with 6 kids had to say about it.

And I was not disappointed. Leo made some great points. So I figured I’d cherry-pick some of the steps on the Peaceful Parent path that fit nicely into the Dude’s world. Here’s a good start to a loose definition of the Dude’s Way of the Peaceful Parent – courtesy of Zen Habits…with some added commentary from the Dude. 🙂

  • Greet your child each morning with a smile, a hug, and a loving Good Morning!
    • Dude: Not always easy if you don’t consider yourself a “morning person” – whatever that means – but this is a MUST. We all deserve to get our day off on the right foot.
  • Read to them often. It’s a wonderful way to bond, to educate, to explore imaginary worlds.
    • Dude: It’s easy to find reasons not to. We’re all busy. But the end result is awesome. Quiet hugs while we build imagination and precious reading habits. Well worth the effort.
  • Build forts with them. Play hide and seek. Shoot each other with Nerf dart guns. Have tea together. Squeeze lemons and make lemonade. Play, often, as play is the essence of childhood.
    • Dude: I’d take this a step further. Play is the essence of life, not just childhood. We all need to play. Free the kiddos, and ourselves, for as much play as possible.
  • When your child asks for your attention, grant it.
    • Dude: Definitely. Kids need our attention. Parent’s attention will build confidence and develop a strong loving bond. Lavish the kids with attention. At some point, they will stop looking for attention, and hearts will break.
  • Model the behavior you want your child to learn. Be calm, smile, be kind, go outdoors and be active.
    • Dude: Heck yeah. The kids will become what they see everyday. And parents are what they see. Be the person you want your kids to be. Easier said than done, but a must. “Be calm, smile, be kind, go outdoors and be active.” Perfect.
  • Remember that your child is a gift. She won’t be a child for long, and so your time with her is fleeting. Every moment you can spend with her is a miracle, and you should savor it. Enjoy it to the fullest, and be grateful for that moment.
  • Let your child share your interests. Bake cookies together. Sew together. Exercise together. Read together. Work on a website together. Write a blog together.
    • Dude: Little helpers are awesome, and we’re building skills along the way.
  • Patiently teach your child the boundaries of behavior. There should be boundaries — what’s acceptable and what’s not. [H]ave patience, but set the boundaries. Within those boundaries, allow lots of freedom.
    • Dude: Modeling behavior is a great way to instill boundaries naturally, but  inevitably, there are times when we will need to say “no.” Set boundaries and keep moving.
  • Sing and dance together.
    • Dude: Life is short. Have fun. And make sure the kids are having fun.
  • Take every opportunity to teach kindness and love. It’s the best lesson.
  • Kiss your child goodnight. And give thanks for another amazing day with your beautiful, unique, crazy child.
    • Dude: Amen. Start the day with a kiss and an “I love you,” and end it the same way. The world may seem crazy, but we are amazingly lucky to be where we are and have the gifts that we have. Have gratitude.

 

Eat the Crust First

Are we a cut-the-crust-off-your-bread type of family?

I’m sure there is great reasoning on both sides of this discussion, but regardless of the decision, this seems like a choice that helps define a family.

Life lessons from bread crust?

I want to make sure my kids have what they need, but I don’t want to be cutting their crust throughout life.  Working through a tough crust – nice metaphor for life experiences – can help build character.

I was going to try to make the, crust has more nutrients argument, but the magic of Yahoo Answers demonstrated that this is most likely a myth.  So, I think I’ll fall back on the true crux of the issue.

From the Dude’s perspective, cutting the crust off a sandwich adds an extra step for busy parents, and throws the child/parent balance off.

There’s nothing wrong with the crust.  A little tough?  Sure.  But it’s part of the bread.  Why would we cut it off?

It seems frivolous, and to meet frivolous desires encourages more frivolous desires.  Ok, that sounds a bit extreme.

But the premise seems to fit.  We don’t need to create extra work for an everyday event that is unnecessary.

I suggest the complete opposite approach.  I can admit the crust is a bit harder to chew, so instead of stressing about it, tackle it first and save the best part for last.  That makes the last bite that much better…ah, the soft middle bite that offers the most gooey part of the fluffernutter.

Do we want our kids chasing every frivolous desire, or do we want them tough enough to tackle the tough challenges first so they can enjoy life’s finer points that much more?

Seems like an easy decision to me.

We are a crust-on type of family.

That’s what I thought until I walked into the kitchen this morning.

Mrs. Dude, we need to talk…

Eat the Crust First

Eat the Crust First

Zen and the Art of Parenting

Zen and the Art of Parenting

Zen and the Art of Parenting

Zen and the Art of Parenting

It’s 2010.  We have women’s suffrage.  Women have broken through the “glass ceiling” in corporations worldwide.  I read the other day that for the first time, more women are now graduating with PhD’s than men!

Women have made huge strides in equality, but from where I sit, Mom’s still keep the house together.  I think it’s an instinctual ability.

When Dad  steps in on a solo mission, there’s always a chance for a little craziness.  The mission will be accomplished, but it’s never quite as smooth as when Mom handles it.

Tuesday offered a good test.  The Princess had her first dance class, followed by soccer practice numero dos, and Mrs. Dude had her first photography class.  It was a busy day.  Tuesdays will be busy for a few weeks.  If you do the math, this leaves the Dude managing all parental tasks including to and from soccer, dinner, bath, bed…sans Mrs. Dude.

Solo parenting is tough.  There are a lot of challenges managing multiple little lives.

Parenting definitely creates an environment conducive to increased levels of stress.  Opportunities to worry.  Reasons for frustration.

But, it also gives us a catalyst to focus on the moment we’re living in.   Worrying and/or getting  frustrated with kids makes the situation that much more difficult to handle.  Kids sense emotions and energy, and when the energy is off, kids tend to shut down.

It’s an interesting task running a solo mission and trying to balance peace and tranquility with the hurdles along the way.

Ever heard of the book Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance?  It grabs my attention every time I see it at a bookstore.  I’ve never read it.  I don’t have a motorcycle.

But, based on assumptions I’m making solely from the title, I think parenting offers similar opportunities to motorcycle maintenance.  Parenting is stressful, but we have a choice between letting stress get to us or going with the flow.

I’m no Zen scholar, but my loose understanding could be summed up with the phrase “going with the flow.”

So, Zen and the Art of Parenting.

I approached this solo mission as most dads would, blindly.  I didn’t give it much thought.  See, dads tend to stumble our way through things.  Like that whole not asking for directions stereotype…it’s a stereotype for a reason.

I planned to leave work a little early, pick up the kids, and hit the road.  Shouldn’t be more to it than that.

Except, he’s hungry and his milk supply is leaving to learn how to snap pictures, so it’s bottle time, it’s getting chilly so he needs to change, might as well change the diaper, make sure the diaper bag has all of the necessities, Princess needs to get dressed, she needs to find her cleats and shin guards…and put them on, she needs a water bottle, and the dogs should probably go out.

Ok.  Not quite as easy as pick up the kids and hit the road.  Thankfully Mommy was there to offer these suggestions prior to me leaving the house with a hungry, underdressed baby, and a soccer player without her gear.

To test my stress levels, these instances always seem to stretch to the last second of available time.  So, we’re rushing out the door.  But there’s really no rushing with a five year old and a 3 month old.  Life just moves at a slower pace.

I realized this as we meandered to the car, and I decided to move slower but more deliberately.  Give myself time to make decisive actions, and ultimately move at the pace kids move.  But more importantly, I was focusing on the task at hand…the present moment.  I was moving slower, but I was more efficient with my actions.

We pile in, and Little Dude starts to wail before we’re out of the driveway.  He’s been doing this in his seat lately.  Not a big fan of being locked down.  But we didn’t have time for consoling.

We hit the road, and I reached behind me trying to soothe him.  Yeah, not the safest idea, but a screaming baby requires a bit of risk taking.

As I pull to a three-way stop in the neighborhood, I let the car to my right and the car across from me go before me.  Both slightly beat me to the intersection.  Once they passed, I made my way through the intersection, and some dude decided he was playing the role of Citizen Patrol and yelled “Nice stop!” at me.

I’m still reaching back trying to soothe a screaming baby.  The windows are down, so he should be able to see this.  This seems like a situation where regardless of a minor traffic infraction, you should probably give the driver the benefit of the doubt.

Plus, I did stop!  I let two people go!  Perhaps I was rolling slightly, but it was a stop.

It seems like these types of situations always happen at the most inopportune time.  A perfect opportunity for me to lose it.  But before any words could pass over my lips, my mind jumped back in and reminded me slow down.  Getting upset isn’t going to make this trip any easier.

In a minute or so I was passed it, but Little Dude was not past his screaming.  I pulled over and was able to calmly tuck some blankets around him, and he was asleep in seconds.  If I had been mad, that stop would not have been that easy.

Zen and the Art of Parenting

Zen and the Art of Parenting

Eventually we made it to the parking lot.  As I’m wrestling with the Bjorn, the pacifier bounces out of his blankets and rolls under the car.  At this point I’m relaxing into things, and rather than letting that be the straw that breaks my will, I recruit The Princess, and she crawls under to grab it.

We roll into practice a couple minutes late, but we are all in good spirits, and we didn’t miss much.

Mission accomplished.

Well, except that whole dinner, bath, bed thing.  But the kids were great, and I was practicing my Zen and the Art of Parenting, and we were good to go.  Whatever minor hurdles we encountered along the way we easily surmounted.

And the reward for a job well done, other than the opportunity to practice a little Zen, is a hug and kiss goodnight from a princess and  some Dude/Little Dude bonding time with lots of silly voices, tickles, smiles, and a five second lock of the eyes where it was clear connections were being made.

My boy is starting to realize who his Daddy is.  Glad I was in the Zen frame of mind to enjoy the moment…well, five seconds anyway.

It Ties the Room Together

It Ties the Room TogetherThe parent/child relationship is becoming increasingly interesting now that I’m able to experience both sides.

The Dude’s parents were visiting over the weekend, and my eyes are open to new perspectives.  It could be maturity, but I think it has more to do with a paradigm shift.  A milestone traversed, that alters perspective.  And big questions arise:  Who am I as a parent?  How will I handle life’s difficult questions and situations?  How will I relate to my kids?

As the Dude’s parental units spent time getting to know their grandson and offering a helping hand, I watched with curiosity trying to determine how my parents would translate into my actions.  Am I like my father?…I hear I’m just like him, but different…whatever that means.  What traits will I capture from Grammie Voodoo?

Only time will tell.

It’s fun to experience another generation unfolding.

While they were here I wrangled Padre Dude, aka Papa or Little Bill, into assisting with the finishing touch to Little Dude’s room; the Endless Summer framed movie poster.

It’s difficult to determine the quantity and/or level of ingredients included in a blog, but the Big Lebowski and the off-shoot Dudeism share some portion of the Dude’s blog stew.  In the first of what I assume will be many nods in The Dude’s direction, below is the video of The Dude explaining that his rug really tied his room together, and in my humble opinion, I believe the Endless Summer poster shares a similar quality in the Little Dude’s nursery.

Thanks for the help Little Bill.

PS – As a warning, if you are not a fan of profanity above the PG-13 level, you should probably skip the video…but enjoy the Endless Summer poster.

Lessons From the Front Lines – Week One

PeaceAfter a day and a half at the hospital (one overnight), the Dude, the Mrs., and Little Dude joined the Princess back at Casa de Dude, and we’ve all fumbled our way triumphantly through the Little Dude’s first week on Earth.  Happy one week b-day Little Dude.

Looking back on the blur of the first seven days, some lessons are evident.

1. Mom’s are tough as nails…except when they cry…then they need lots of hugs.  Birth is a doozey, and that’s just the beginning.  At one point the Mrs. compared the early pains of breastfeeding to “monkey’s beating on my chest”…not sure if she’s actually had this experience, but point is well taken…mommying is painful.  Added to the physical pain are sleepless nights, complete loss of personal space, and mental somersaults that accompany a constant pull in every direction at once.

2.  Dads aren’t too shabby either.  True, Dads don’t endure the physical pain, but the mental somersaults are just as much a part of their life trying to balance the increasing priorities within a decreasing scope of time.  Sleepless nights are sleepless nights to Mommies and Daddies; someone needs to burp and change the boy after Mom feeds him, and the Princess and pooches still need breakfast come morning.  I have no idea how a single parent functions.

3.  The rest of the tribe is almost as important as Mom and Dad.  As the saying goes, “It takes a village…”  Babies change everything in an instant, and other members of the “parent club” recognize the magnitude of this transition and actively offer support without a request.  It seems like it’s just understood that it’s needed.  No one has offered to setup a trust fund for him yet, but gestures as simple as dropping off dinner help a day flow smoothly.

This voluntary assistance also extends to the Princess who has happily taken on the role of big sister without a fuss.

4.  Nature is amazing!  This boy is incredible, growing and changing on a daily basis, and to think a short seven days ago he was housed inside of another human being.  Millions of minute interactions occurring at precise moments to bring the tiny lad into our lives.  Thanks Mama Nature.

5.  The Moby rocks.  It allows you to wrap the baby around you using a simple cloth as I imagine our ancestors have done for quite a while.  Allowing for hands-free mobility, and letting the Dude and Little Dude cruise around the yard watering the gardens and taking in the scenery.

6.  A battery operated swing and bouncy chair come in very handy.  I’m not sure I would say a must, but pretty darn close to a must.

7.  All hail the swaddle!  I’ll spare you the detailed descriptions of this relatively boring topic, but if you know anyone with an infant, or expecting, I highly recommend “The Happiest Baby on the Block” by Dr. Karp.  Here’s a video that shows some of the techniques in action.

Experience

The Dude’s sister is in a race with the Duggars to overpopulate the Earth, or at least that’s how it seems to someone who is completely overwhelmed once the kid count rises above two…i.e. the Dude.

In reality, Sis is an amazing Mom and the Bro-in-law is a groovy Dad, so their increasing kid count is more a testament of their love and strong sense of family than anything else…but 5 kids is amazing and ridiculous all at the same time.

It just so happens that the Dude’s newest nephew and the Little Dude were born 19 days apart.  So, both families get to enjoy newborns and watch them grow up together.

For a new parent fumbling on a minute by minute basis through new parent things, it’s great to get tips from a true Mommy pro.

This morning I had the following Instant Message exchange with my sister:
[10:28:20 AM] Dude’s Sis:  Don’t underestimate the power of a picture.  They like faces… kept him happy for a while 🙂

[10:32:32 AM] Dude: Classic.

[10:36:40 AM] Dude’s Sis: haha just looked at it again… i actually snapped the photo after he had put himself to sleep.

True Experience

True Experience

This is what experience teaches?!  I’m way over-thinking this parenting thing.