Monthly Archives: September 2017

The Changing Tides of Special Needs Parenting & the Cycle of Grief: We’re Lucky. But Sometimes It Doesn’t Feel That Way. [Featured on the Mighty]

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Related imageFull post featured on The Mighty. 

The morning surf-check is one of life’s delicacies. A day of clean waves is nothing short of a gift from God.

Unfortunately, the clean lines that surfers crave do not always march to shore. When the variables – wind, swell, tides, etc. – are not aligned those clean lines become a mass of confusion, some days/hours/minutes more threatening than others.

Those messy, threatening days do not dilute the fortune of living by the sea. The stormy moments offer a richness that would be lost if every day was nothing but clean lines.

Similar to the rogue wave or sudden storm, life’s engineering does not always match the forecast.

The Mrs. and I have shared the beginning of our special needs parenting journey:

As this special needs journey continues, the richness matches the beauty of the sea – unfolding in calm breezes, clean waves, and favorable tides. And unexpected storms.

Unfortunately, as any surf forecaster will tell you, ignoring the storm does not change the foreboding path. Storms will arrive. And patterns will repeat.

There is a cycle of grief. And this cycle repeats. Despite my best intentions to change the unchangeable, I recognize this cycle because we experience the raw emotions – on repeat.

  1. Denial
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance

We work through this grief cycle individually and as a family. We manage this cycle as best we can, and I’d like to believe we are improving with each repetition.

We yearn towards the clean lines of acceptance, and we revel in the warm sun and cool breeze of our strong, loving family. The majority of our time is spent enjoying the amazing waves of love and happiness that ALL special needs parents know.

But we need to mindful of the forecast. We don’t know when the storms will blow through, and we don’t know how hard we will need to bear down to remain grounded, but be prepared.

It’s amazing what a well-timed hug or good cry can do.

We’re lucky to live by the sea, but we’re even luckier to be special a special needs family.

The Tao of Tetris: Life is a Game. Choose Your Strategy Wisely.

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Tetris RocketSimplicity, patience, compassion.
These three are your greatest treasures.
Simple in actions and thoughts, you return to the source of being.

― Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

Simple isn’t easy. Life gets in the way of simple. Life is complicated.

Or perhaps we make life complicated.

Crossing into my fourth decade on this wild ride is driving me to drink determine the Tao of the Dude.

What are the rules I live by? What are my guiding principles?

If we don’t consciously determine our personal Tao (Way) than outside forces will determine the Way for us. I have let this happen far too often in my 40 years.

I need a simple framework to create a simple Tao. A Way that is easy to apply from sun up to sun down, through thick and thin.

One foundation that has caught my attention recently is the idea that life is a game. A simple mindset that adds a layer of fun to the ups and downs of the daily grind and switches the focus from survival to strategy.

This cool cat Oliver Emberton wrote a great post outlining his view of life as a game.

I’ll let you jump to the post for the full monty, but a few highlights…

  • Life is the big game with a lot of “mini games” within it.
  • Crucial to manage resources and master your use of time.
  • Everything you do affects your state and skills.
  • State = health, energy, willpower.
  • Willpower is a finite resource that fades throughout the day.
  • Important tasks first.
  • Reduce choices.
  • Choose the right tasks at the right time.
  • Ensure a healthy state and then work on skills that open new paths.
  • Combinations of skills are most effective.
    • S. Adams discusses the idea of “talent stacks” to build unique expertise.
  • All players die after about 29,000 days, or 80 years. There is no cheat code to extend this.
  • By the time most of us have figured life out, we’ve used up too much of the best parts.

I dig this simple framework to maintain focus on the important strategies of a “successful” (IE happy) life.

But there is room for this framework to grow, to deepen, to expand to life’s nuances.

If life is a game, what game is it?

Nintendo Gameboy was glued to my hand in 7th grade, and Tetris was my weapon of choice.

Are you aware that a rocket blasts off if you hit 100,000 points in the original Tetris?! You need to be dedicated to see that rocket. I was.

I wasn’t aware I was building the Tao of the Dude with each block I rotated into perfect position. But in hindsight, a life strategy was slowly taking off. 🙂

This great post by Tor Bair adds the next layer to our life is a game framework…

Our first inclination may be to view life as a game of chess where we agonize every move to vanquish our foes. But life is much more fluid than chess, and our most formidable opponent is the person we were yesterday not an enemy across the table.

Highlights to ponder:

  • Life is not us vs. them; not a zero-sum game where there needs to be a loser.
  • Your only opponent is yourself. The real game is internal.
  • Life is a game against time (29,000 days) with a random stream of inputs for you to orderly configure.
  • Life doesn’t get harder, it just gets faster.
  • Master life – like Tetris – by playing with self-control at high speeds.
  • Play for the present moment – you can’t control the board.
  • No one tells you when you “win” – you determine your path and your end goal.

Play to play. Enjoy the game. Keep it simple.