Lessons in Love: 10 Years of Marriage…and a Bunch of Blog Posts

The Mrs and I celebrated 10 years of marriage this year.

A 7 day all-inclusive trip to Antigua – pretty awesome, but we did lose an iPhone (last picture to the right), get food poisoning, and realize we’re not all-inclusive people.

Life is full of lessons.

This momentous occasion led me to think about doing my part to make the next 10 the very best they can be.

Wish I could say I have it all figured out, but really do we ever have it figured out – life, love, ladies…very confusing topics.

I horde links of great blog posts on the reg, so I turned to my “Love” category to see what lessons I need to incorporate in the next 10 amazing years of wedded bliss…

Lessons in Love

Let’s start with a couple quotes from Esther Perle

A Definition of Love by Esther Perel

It’s a verb. It’s an active engagement with all kinds of feelings—positive ones and primitive ones and loathsome ones. But it’s a very active verb. And it’s often surprising how it can kind of ebb and flow. It’s like the moon. We think it’s disappeared, and suddenly it shows up again. It’s not a permanent state of enthusiasm.

Marriage by Esther Perel

Marriage is an aggregate of multiple narratives. It belongs to the people who are in it, but it also belongs to the people who are supporting it and living around it: family, friends, community. As I once said, and it became a kind of a saying for me, when you pick a partner, you pick a story, and then you find yourself in a play you never auditioned for. And that is when the narratives clash.

How to Easily Make Your Relationships Awesome: 4 Secrets

  • Bids & responses
  • Turn toward bids
  • Decode bids
  • Ok to miss 20%
  • Curiosity, depth, and feelings
  • Collector of emotional moments

8 Things Happily Married Couples Do 

  • Pay compliments
  • Express thanks
  • Take their workload
  • Apologize when wrong
  • Help de-stress
  • Physical – light touch, small kiss
  • Send partner out
  • Send self out

Became More Self-Aware in Your Marriage

  • Tripple A
    • Attention
    • Affection
    • Acknowledgment
  • “Thank you for putting aside yourself to do this for me.”

100 Small, Nice Things

  • All good ideas

5 Habits of Happy Marriages

  • Prioritize positivity
  • Cultivate healthy passion
  • Savor experiences
  • Focus on character strengths
  • Emphasize gratitude

7 Tips for Building a Marriage

  • Daily practice
  • Make sure on the same page
  • Control your own happiness
  • Balance parenting and marriage
  • Ask, “how can I help?”

8 Communication Traits of Happy, Healthy Marriages

  • Daily appreciations – quantity leads to happiness
  • Active listening
  • Write down criticisms – if ever needed
  • Practice positivity – 5:1 ratio positive:negative
  • Embrace the power of timeout
  • Make contact
  • Use “I” statements
  • Ask questions – get curious

How to Keep a Long-Term Marriage Thriving, According to 7 Happily Married Men

  •  Prioritize date-nights
  • Remember the little things
  • Revisit places
  • Know love languages
  • Surprise romantic gestures
  • Court once per month
  • Compliment her

How to Have a Happy Marriage: Powerful Secrets from Research

  • Bad things are exceptions, good things are traits
  • Give thanks
  • Celebrate the good times (capitalization)
  • Communication is key
  • Try a new restaurant after you go skydiving

10 Relationship Skills All Husbands & Wives Need to Master

  • Show appreciation (validation): be there, listen
  • Listen: what would help you most right now?
  • Avoid interruption
  • Flirt: practice posture of interest
  • Set appropriate boundaries
  • Prioritize marriage
  • Watch words during arguments: use “I” statements
  • Stay clear of invalidation
  • Know when to take a timeout
  • Pay attention to body language

Small Facial Expressions Let You Know Your Marriage is Happy

  • 80% of communication is nonverbal – faces display an immense amount of information
  • Grab nose = more space
  • Bite or grab lower lip = solve a problem/get rid of something
  • Upper lip = stimulated by conversation or appearance
  • Copied or repeated behaviors = positive
  • Rolling eyes and not focusing on the partner = lack/loss of respect

Love Me Today: The Significance of Small Moments & Great-Grandmother-in-Laws

stargazingIf you’re ever going to love me love me now, while I can know
All the sweet and tender feelings which from real affection flow.
Love me now, while I am living; do not wait till I am gone
And then chisel it in marble — warm love words on ice-cold stone.

I’m not often choked up.

Or at least, that’s what I tell myself.

As life progresses, I realize my rough exterior is pierced more often than I’d like to admit. Not by sadness, but by life’s significance. The significance of all the small details, small moments.

2017 has claimed my lovely bride’s two Grandmothers. As a result, the fam has experienced two memorial services for Great Grandmothers in the past month.

Neither a surprise. Both an opportunity to reflect.

Both remembered for strength and grace.

The above poem was read at yesterday’s memorial service. A great sum of my feelings on loss and funerals.

Let the ones you love, know you love them. Now.

One of life’s many lessons: be present, aware, with a focus on Now.

But our everyday life pulls us to the opposite poll – rushed, stressed, focused on the past AND the future.

The Now requires a focused effort…Easier said than done.

I practiced my best focused effort during yesterday’s service. I related to the poem, spent time with family and reflected on the kind words.

I was surprised by a familiar twinge of emotion starting in the chest and pushing towards the eye – a tear threatening to escape.

Not because of sadness – I hope I showed love when I had the chance. It was the significance that bit so hard.

As we age, life seems more significant. In reality, we’re just more aware of the significance that has been there all along.

Great-Grandmother-in-Laws have impacted me more than I could ever imagine.

They opened their hearts, their homes, and their families. They accepted me unconditionally and trusted me with their lineage.

These moments may seem small, but the significance cannot be overstated. This kindness, this love will carry on for generations. They are in our veins and they are in our actions. I see their love in my family every day.

I know I say the words, but I’m not sure I’ve understood the significance.

Saying I love you is easy (important, but easy).

Recognizing the significance of this moment is hard.

A memorial is a great reminder. But the opportunity is Now.

A Saturday night stargazing and a Sunday morning lounging with Curious George may seem simple, normal. But the significance is hidden by the normal.

Last night’s stars were extra bright, and the hugs this morning are extra sweet.

With the right focus, perhaps I can capture more of the significance life has to offer – the people, relationships, and love that can be lost in the everyday hustle.

Pay attention to the small details and the significance of each moment.

When they are gone, they are gone. Love me today.

Thank you Mimi and Granny. We love you.

 

Still Time to Score for Valentine’s Day [More Importantly, XOXO on the Reg]

There’s only a couple rules we live by in the Dude casa.

  1. Never break a promise: Trust is important
  2. Always give a kiss goodnight…

You can’t get today back. Make sure the peeps you love, know it.

  • “I hope they know how much I love them.”
  • “I wish I had a chance to say I love you.”

Such simple regrets to avoid.

Don’t wait for the next holiday to say I love you and share a good night kiss.

Today’s the day.

Holidays? Gifts?

Meh.

Make every day the right day to share a special moment.

With that said, I love love. Any reason for an extra squeeze is good by me.

It’s a week away, but you still have time to score for Valentine’s Day. Here’s how…

You’re welcome.