This Pooping Unicorn Will Make You Question Reality

Image result for squatty potty unicornThere are a lot of reasons to question the reality we are fed – from parents, peers, schools, government, media, food, medical, blah, blah, blah.

Conspiracy theories abound.

More importantly, conspiracies abound.

Everyone is selling the idea they believe in.

But does anyone actually “know?” I mean reaaaalllllly know.

I don’t.

And I think we’re all guessing. At just about everything.

We talk like we know. We discuss “facts” as if they are factual. We try to fool ourselves into believing we know.

But we don’t…

Universe came from the Big Bang?

Oil comes from dinos that died to give us Netflix?

Oh look, here’s a man-made structure that’s 47,600 years old!

Yeah, but hunter-gathers were still just roaming chasing food 10K years ago, right?

At least we know how our current worldview was created – like money and debt…

  • Then again, tracing Debt back 5,000 years offers a different perspective.

We reaaaalllly don’t know. And that’s awesome.

Life is wide open. One big treasure hunt.

Be open. Be aware. Be ready to learn from anyone at any time.

But don’t believe the “facts” just because they’re fed to you.

Think for yourself.

Here, I’ll get you started.

You know how to poop, right? Sure…we all do. #2 has been our close compadre all our lives.

But maybe we’ve been doing it wrong…at least since the brainwashing potty-trainers got a hold of us.

Don’t believe me? The below pooping unicorn will make you change your life…and question reality.

If we don’t know how to poop, then what do we know?!

Happy Memorial Day

Lovin' Summer

Lovin' Summer

Little Dude is loving the unofficial start to summer. Warm weather, water, and no clothes. Check, check, and check.

Although, I did leave him diaperless for a little too long. Shortly after this picture, Little Dude deposited a gift on the deck. One instance where my reaction of “Oh, crap!” was literal. Always interesting to wrangle toddler, dogs, and poop at one time.

Oh well. C’est la vie. Bring on summer…poop and all.

Happy Memorial Day to you and yours.

Week 17: Occupational Hazards

Occupational Hazards

Occupational Hazards

“Does he smell?” As she holds his ass in the air.

And the Dude’s first reaction is to lean over for  a sniff!?  “Nope.”

Later the same day, as I dozed off on the couch for an afternoon siesta, Mrs. Dude asked if a sleeping Little Dude could lay with me.  Of course the answer was yes.  As she laid him on my chest, we realized the turd had definitely escaped.

But he’s sleeping.  We knew we were safer if we let him sleep.  So The Boy and his dirty diaper dozed with me for a half hour.

Occupational hazards I guess.

Make no mistake about it, parenting is an occupation.  But an occupation unlike any other.  I’m still new at this game; I’m sure Mr. Huxtable could drop some parenting knowledge on me, but from what I gather, there is a lot of hard work and a lot of sacrifice.

Can you think of any other job you would volunteer to be on call 24/7 for zero pay (actually pay them to work…I think the average kid costs like a bazillion dollars these days.)?  And sniff butts and nap with a dirty diaper?  I think not.

Some jobs run the risk of carpal tunnel.  Parenting runs the risk of no sleep and stank butts.

On the flip side, the obvious response is that the rewards of watching your kids grow up are priceless.  No argument there.

But the effort involved is somewhat priceless too.  It’s tough to find the same dedication a parent is willing offer.

Week 17 brought on a battle with the Hands, Foot, and Mouth virus.  7+ days of cranking.

Since Little Dude is already fighting through reflux, we didn’t realize the cranking could be HFM until some hives arrived.  We confirmed it at the doctor the next day.

Reflux and HFM lead to a worn out Little Guy.  He handled it all pretty well, but the true champion is Mrs. Dude.  A worn out kid leads to a worn out parent…someone needs to pick up the slack.

Parenting in general is an occupation full of hazards, but an at-home mom is like pulling double-shifts every day…for years.  No time off, no personal space, 100% attention on someone else’s well-being.

Thanks for all of the hard work Mrs. Dude.  You’re an amazing Mom.

Week Four – Poop Rules My Life

Little Dude Snoozing

Little Dude Snoozing

As the Dude ventures down the path of blogging about family life, including a newborn, it’s inevitable that the subject matter will veer towards poop at some point…possibly often.  Given the first four weeks with Little Dude, my guess is poop could be a highly discussed topic.

Week four seems to be giving us some indication of the crankiness source.  We are not overly confident in this theory, infants are a fickle lot, but all signs point to some sort of development, or lack thereof, with digestion.

Poop is what it is.  A natural fact of life.  But for an infant, and especially Little Dude, it’s pretty much a matter of survival.  Really, everything at the age of four weeks is a matter of survival; it’s hard to be tiny, defenseless, and completely confused by everything around you.  But, for Little Dude, poop seems to be his kryptonite.  Serious discomfort.

The Boy shares hints of the serene quietness conjured in the mind’s eye with the thought of an “infant,” but the quiet periods have been short-lived.  Those tiny hints of calm have been separated by eating, sleeping, and fussiness.  However, the calmness is gaining strength, and Mrs. Dude reported today the Little One was smiling all day.  Smiles are a rare occurrence, never mind a full day event.

His body is beginning to operate more efficiently, and the stretches of calm, sometimes even happy, states are increasing.  The waves of fussiness are almost always ended by some form of gas; burp, fart, poop (he’s such a dude!).  Once he gets it out, the calm spreads through his body.  Uncomfortable digestion seems to be the source, and now that the digestion seems to be running a bit more smoothly, the periods of fussiness are decreasing…in length anyway.

This is a big improvement from week three where colic was able to maintain a strong position on the list of possibilities.  We may not be able to discount the Big C completely, but we are rapidly moving past this theory…or, at least the Dude is using the power of positive thinking.

In parts of the East Coast where I’ve lived, there is a cliché about the weather that seems to apply to infants (probably most aspects of life); if you don’t like the weather, wait an hour.  In other words, if you are faced with a challenge, a thunder storm or a fussy baby, give it some time, things will change.

Just when we get this digestion figured out, I’m sure another challenge will develop, but for now, it’s great to see the Little Dude moving past the largest challenge in his life….and we’ll be ready to tackle the next one.

PS – Since we’re on the subject of bodily functions; I love how changing a boy’s diaper is similar to participating in a cheesy game show.  Every time I’m wrestling with the Little Dude to change his diaper, I feel like I’m on an Asian game show with tacky English humor being dubbed in.

How quickly can you separate the cloth from the clammy skin, apply a goopy white substance, drag his butt in the air, slip a new diaper under, and grapple with the flailing limbs to secure the sticky straps, all before you’re sprayed in the face?  There are a range of theories to prevent this hilarious struggle, but reality tends to trump theory.  Babies are surprisingly strong and pee is difficult to shield.  Changing requires speed and efficiency.

There should be a Dad Olympics.

Observations from the Princess

The Princess

The Princess

1.  As we’re watching the Celtics in the NBA Finals (Go Celts!), and Rondo makes an acrobatic move to the basket that leads to a hard collision between his head and the floor, the Princess chimes in by suggesting that “They should have a carpet.”  Very true, that fall would have hurt less with a carpet.

2.  During a trip to the beach…You always need to dig a hole and bury poop at the beach because if it’s out someone might think it’s a rock and pick it up, and that’s gross.  Again, very true, and this is most likely the reasoning behind the town ordinances requiring that we clean up after our dogs…oh, to be a fly on the wall during that meeting…

“Earl, we need to require people to pick up their poop on the beach.”

“Jim, you’re crazy.  We live in America…the land of the free!”

“Earl, if we don’t clean it up, or at least dig a hole and bury it, someone will think it’s a rock and take it home, and that’s gross.”

“Very true, Jim.  The poop law is enacted.”

I’m starting to believe five year olds can run this world.